Dentro-Fuera

(Read while listening to: Voices inside my head by the Police)

Dentro y en la mirada:

La confusión, la expectativa con sus colores de frustración y renovación cíclica, el pasado, el futuro, los miedos, la infancia solitaria, las falsas creencias, los pre-juicios, las 84 mil emociones perturbadas, el tedio, la fé, el ego, las exigencias, el anhelo de vivir, los sueños, el diccionario, las reglas, los motivos, los regalos navideños, las conversaciones, la terapia, las deudas, los amores, los celos, los rencores, los amigos, las preocupaciones, las alegrías, los deseos insatisfechos, la aduana, la religión, las referencias visuales, las construcciones mentales, la educación, las vidas pasadas, el perdón, los pendientes, los propósitos de año nuevo, los recuerdos del año viejo, las dudas, el sobrepeso imaginario, el ruido, los libros, las fotografías, el blog, el corazón, el siguiente viaje, la última canción escuchada.

Fuera y frente a mí:

El cielo azul, los árboles, el viento y la nube pasajera:





P.d. Se busca guillotina.



Translation:

Inside and in my eyes:

The confusion, the expectations with the color of frustration and cyclical renovation, the past, the future, the fears, the lonely childhood, the false creed, the prejudice, the 84 thousand disturbed emotions, the boredom, the faith, the ego, the demands, the will to live, the dreams, the dictionary, the rules, the reasons, the christmas presents, the conversations, the therapy, the debts, the loves, the jealousy, the resentments, the friends, the worries, the joys, the unsatisfied longings, the customs office, the religion, the visual references, the mental construct, the education, the past lives, the forgiveness, the pending issues, the new year's resolutions, the last year's memories, the doubts, the imaginary overweight, the noise, the books, the pictures, the blog, the heart, the next trip, the last song that was heard.


Out and in front of me:

The blue sky, the trees, the wind and a passing cloud.



P.S. Guillotine needed.

Tagged

Las week I was very pleased to discover that I had been tagged by Dandy Golfo from Becoming Golfo.

The rules were:

1. Go to the 4th folder in your computer where you store your pictures.

2. Pick the 4th picture in that folder.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

Nevertheless, I thought it would be more interesting to twist the rules just a tiny bit and go for a printed picture. I think I've been feeling a little nostalgic of the time before digital cameras existed.

So instead of going to a folder in my desktop, I chose to go into the closet in my apartment were I keep all my old stuff. There I had two boxes filled with old pictures. I chose the box that kept the oldest. It was there that I looked for the fourth envelope, from which I took the fourth picture, which turned out to be this one:



I have no idea of the exact year I took this picture, but it must have been like... 8 or 9 years ago. I took it in a beach called Mazunte in Oaxaca, Mexico.

I loved coming across this picture because I really like it for so many reasons. The first would be that it looks so much older than 9 years, that is because I took it with the old camera that my parents took on their honeymoon in the early 1960s; it was a Retinet (I still have it!) the last model to be made in Germany and its completely manual, you actually have to guess the distance and the light, so coming with a decent, not to say good looking, picture is quite a challenge. Still, I like it better than a picture with perfect lighting, you know what I mean? I think the flaws make it beautiful.

I also love it because it brought the best of memories. The guy in the picture is actually my ex-boyfriend, now very good friend, 'Cha'.
Looking at this picture (and the rest of the film on the envelope) I remembered just how much we loved each other (as much as you can love anyone in your 20s) and the great times that we used to spend together. I also remembered my own self through those pictures. How I used to make a big deal out of insignificant stuff, how I would fight him for things that today seem of absolutely no importance.

Actually, looking at the pictures, I thought of myself as a young girl (NOT woman) who used to make a big deal out of everything. I wish I could travel in time, and go tell my young self not to worry so much. I would tell myself that I should just enjoy the gorgeous boyfriend I was with; to have more fun, laugh more, and not be so worried about "our future", 'cause there would never be one, there was only a gleaming present filled with incredible moments.
I wish I could go and tell her that he wasn't the great love of my life, as we both believed at that time. That love, real love, was something much bigger and most of all, mature, than what we had. I wish I could just go and tell her: "You know... you are just 22! Relax about your job, about responsibilities, about your career, about money or about the things that you expect from a marriage, what's more, forget about marriage!. Enjoy life... enjoy the beach, kiss your boyfriend, laugh with him and feel beautiful because you are!". Because yes, I also remember feeling uncomfortable with my body, but when I saw the pictures oh my God! It was the perfect body! No body fat whatsoever and tight all over... I wish I could go back and tell 20 year old Ivonne to realize that, and that it is true, your body is perfect when you are very young but it doesn't last forever...

And I think that despite all I have said, I really enjoyed that time. I just wish I would have more. It was a perfect summer, in a perfect beach, with a perfect highschool-sweetheart type of boyfriend. I had the perfect body and enough energy as to run, read, make love, swim and feel more alive than ever...

A few years after that, Cha and I both got into stronger, deeper relationships with other people, our paths split, but we managed to remain friends, and I think that shows that we really cared for each other; beyond attachments or jealousy, there was true affection.

Must make one thing clear though: I absolutely love my life today and maybe, it is those things lost, that make me appreciate what I have now even more. Actually, I am in the process of accepting the present more, to live in it and stop worrying... or else, I'll have the 40 year old Ivonne traveling in time, and telling me not to worry and enjoy this gorgeous time I'm living... and that my body is still perfect, haha.

So now, after all this speech, I pass this tag on to:

• A1 blog Yu
• About a Jotch
• Girl meets NYC
• StupidMags

Good luck guys! Go for that 4th picture... and please, share.

2010, 2055

(Read while listening to: Tomorrow by James)




¿Cuánto dura el tiempo cuando no transcurre?


Lo que pasó, ha pasado.
(Ya)

Lo que es, está siendo.
(Inasequible)

Lo que será, será después.
(Fantasía)


Cuenta tres segundos,
¿pasaron ya?

Cuenta tres de nuevo.

Cuatro.

Cinco.

Cuenta mil deseando que fueran uno.
(Bienvenido a mi cabeza).


Conjuga 30 años en futuro perfecto.


Mi ingratitud hacia el presente me oculta los regalos del instante.


Tiempo, invención tortuosa.




Translation:

How long does time last when it doesn't go by?


What has happened, has happened.
(Already)

What is, is being.
(Unattainable)

What will be, will be later.
(Fantasy)


Count three seconds,
have they passed yet?

Count three again.

Four.

Five.

Count a thousand wishing they were one.
(Welcome to my head).

Conjugate 30 years in future perfect.


My ingratitude for the present veils the gifts delivered by each instant.


Time, devious invention.

Dislocación

(Read while listening to: What'll I do?)



Lejos está la bahía
y la gente
y los olores.

Lejos el aire,
el mar
y el cielo.

Lejos están el futuro,
el sentido
y el corazón.

Lejos mi lugar
y lejos mi vida.

¿Cerca?
Cerca nada.

(De regreso de casa, demasiado pronto)

Translation:

Far is the bay,
and the people
and the smells.

Far the air,
the see,
and the sky.

Far the future,
sense,
and the heart.

Far my place on earth
and far my life.

Near?
Nothing.

(Back from home, much too soon)